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The Spirit of Ghandi lives: But no one seems to care

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Mahatma Gandhi is revered as the ‘Father of the Nation’ in his native India but his legend and legacy belong to the world. He is an inspiration for activists around the globe who protest violence, tyranny and oppression wherever they find it. He is a reminder also that true revolutions take place in the heart and that batons and rubber bullets can only stall social change. Fighting British rule in India, Gandhi regularly used hunger strikes as a non-violent political weapon. Reflecting on the principles of revolutionary pacifism, Gandhi quipped, ‘First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win’. 65 years after his death, the fight for civil and political rights is as fierce as ever. In the year 2000, Irom Sharmila began a hunger strike in the spirit of Gandhi. Incredibly, she has abstained from food and water for 12 years, being forcibly fed through a tube. Unlike Gandhi, she cannot seem to get past the stage of being ignored, even in India.

On 2 November 2000, the Malom Massacre took place in the north-Indian state of Manipur. Retaliating to a rebel attack, soldiers shot and killed ten innocent civilians waiting at a bus stop in the town of Malom. The guilty party could not be prosecuted as they were covered under the auspices of the Armed Forces (Special Powers) Act which grants impunity to soldiers working in ‘disturbed areas’. Irom Sharmila was outraged and vowed to abstain from food, water and even brushing her teeth until AFSPA was repealed. This month marks 12 years of continual peaceful protest but tragically, the end seems no nearer than when it began.

The fact that Sharmila’s protest has not yielded results yet is not the issue. Gandhi was first imprisoned by the British in 1922 – a quarter of a century before Indian independence was finally achieved. AFSPA has been condemned by Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch and the United Nations but, like many oppressive laws, it may be decades yet before it is finally overturned. Government resistance is to be expected. What is remarkable, however, is the sheer apathy in the West and in India itself to this heroic protest.

Habitual apathy is the ultimate result of an information overload. In our globalised age, we have become accustomed to having instant access to more data than we could possibly consume in a lifetime. Growing up in the 1980s, before the internet became a staple of every home, our family library was crowned with an Encyclopaedia Britannica set. I was convinced as a young boy, if I could read and retain every book, I would possess the entirety of human knowledge. It was thrilling in the early 1990s to purchase a digital copy and to realise all of those lofty volumes could be reduced to a single compact disc. Today, it is still thrilling but also daunting to fathom what a drop in the ocean that set is when compared to the endless expanse of the information superhighway. With access to information at truly brobdingnagian proportions, perhaps we could be excused for throwing up our arms and declaring, ‘Enough! I just don’t care!’

Has the global West given in to habitual apathy and succumbed to the inevitable social inertia that follows? Driving though Sydney’s notoriously conservative Hills District in April, I was shocked to see traffic signs and bus shelters covered in Kony 2012 posters. The corresponding Youtube video was watched nearly 100 million times. Seemingly overnight, social media sites became obsessed with bringing this Ugandan militia leader to justice. It mattered little that Joseph Kony had left Uganda in 2006 or that the film was riddled with inaccuracies. Nor was it important that the film and the campaign reduced the complex tragedy of African child soldiers to a simple equation – catch the bad guy. The campaign was sexy and it was marketable. Dismissed as slacktivism by some, Kony 2012, with its catchy slogans, slick posters and digital appeal, broke the spell, albeit temporarily, of habitual apathy.

Herein lays the challenge for children of the Information Age. With an endless stream of sources available to us on our smartphones, tablets, computers and televisions, it is up to us to filter the information we are fed and develop a critical eye. The lazy mind will respond to this digital bombardment by either revelling in gullibility or sinking into a nasty cynicism. Only the brave and the brilliant will rise to meet the challenge of the age – to use the incredible access to information as a weapon. The average citizen is more empowered than ever to run fact checks on claims, to read newspapers from around the world and to take part in online discussions. We can hold our leaders and our mainstream media to account, if we choose.

With discernment, determination and a careful eye, the gulf between Irom Sharmila’s campaign against AFSPA and Invisible Children’s campaign against Joseph Kony becomes readily apparent. Why then is Kony a global celebrity while Sharmila and her 12 years hunger strike is virtually unknown? Have we been tricked by a marketing sleight of hand? Have we substituted online posters and Facebook ‘likes’ for genuine activism? Or is it simply the case that, as ever, a comforting lie is preferable to an inconvenient truth? Gandhi once said ‘even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth’. In an age where millions join a cause one month to abandon it the next, those words seem pertinent. Our unprecedented access to knowledge should be seen as a blessing but with it comes the responsibility to carefully separate fluff and fairytales from spirit and substance. Meanwhile, Irom Sharmila enters her thirteenth year of fasting. The spirit of Gandhi still has a voice, waiting to be heard.

On Surnames

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

‘What’s in a name?’ mused the Bard. ‘That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. Romeo and Juliet were certainly not fussed but broadly speaking society has frowned on the call to ‘doff thy name’. Names are fascinating. The study of names is a distinct academic field known as onomastics. We need a given name for a very obvious reason – it gives us an identity. Whether we have prison issued numbers or extravagant appellations, people need to distinguish us from the person next to us. Surnames are a bit different. Deeply symbolic and tied to history, a surname is seen as an inheritance. Have they retained their significance or in this enlightened, post-modern, deconstructionist world, are we free to change or even disregard surnames altogether?

The history of surnames differs from culture to culture but they generally arose as an administrative tool. Particularly as populations increased and the government census became more common, a surname or family name would help identify one group from another. The aristocracy was the first to employ surnames as a way of tracing their noble lineage. In my own case, Jones is a Welsh name meaning the son of John which, suitably enough, is my father’s name. Peasants would eventually take last names to indicate their clan or function. Jim the Baker eventually became Jim Baker. Richard the Blacksmith, became Richard Smith and so on. Occupations were originally as much an inheritance as any physical possessions. Before the Industrial Revolution, it was rare for young men to do anything besides what their father had done.

How important are surnames today? We are certinally past the point where they indicate either our noble lineage or our profession. They are still needed from an administrative point of view – especially if your tribe has blossomed like the Joneses! There is still a nice link to the past by carrying on the family name. It is a touch phallocentric as, generally speaking, women still forfeit their surname at marriage and the children carry on the father’s legacy. Surnames are clannish, tribal things that bring comfort, identity and a sense of continuity but what if your last name is awful? Is there not a point where the evolutionary nature of language means keeping an unfortunate last name is just silly?

There are many examples where evolutionary linguistics have left people with a surname that doesn’t quite sit right. Take, for example, rugby league legend, Johnny Raper, Apple CEO Tim Crook, singer Bruce Cockburn and American sprint star Tyson Gay. Now 100 years ago, all of these were perfectly normal surnames but by luck of the draw they all have very bad modern meanings. Johnny, let us be clear, is not a rapist. The jury is out whether Tim is a crook but, for the sake of argument, let’s presume his innocence. Bruce (presumably) does not suffer from a burning sensation down below and if he does there are things modern medicine can do to fix that. Finally, Tyson is not gay … not that there’s anything wrong with that!

These are a few celebrity examples but there are many more everyday people with surnames that are less than appealing. Often, in this globalised world, it is simply the result of different things sounding funny in different languages. Colon, for example, is a perfectly acceptable surname in Spain but it would not bode overly well in an English speaking country. Similarly, Ho is a fine name in China but if the family moves to Australia it is probably not what a young girl wants to be called repeatedly by students and teachers alike. Spare a thought for those who have inherited the surnames, Belch, Cuck, Dinkle, Gunts, Jerker, Pugh or, my personal favourite, Wildonger.

What would you do with an unfortunate surname? Is it as simple as going to court and having a name change? When would you do it? As a child, adolescent or adult? Are you letting down your parents and your ancestors or are you doing a wonderful favour to your children? As a Jones, I certainly don’t feel any need to carry on the family name but I do wonder how much it would hurt my parents if I changed my last name. Would it be a complete rejection of them? I think Muhammad Ali had the right idea. Our name is so central to our identity, it must ultimately be something that we can be proud of and we can love. Ali, like many African Americans, saw his surname as a slave name and rejected it. His new name reflected his faith and who he was as a free man. Malcolm X did the same thing. Our parents are important, our history is important but we have only one shot at this life. We must not cower under a name we do not love. Be who you want to be and love who you are. Let freedom reign.

On Political Footy Fans

Sunday, July 1st, 2012

Karl Marx famously claimed that religion was the opiate of the people, however, many insightful sociologists have noted that things are different in Australia. For the Australian masses it is not religion but sport that truly reflects the sigh of oppressed creatures, the heart of a heartless world, the soul of soulless conditions and the fount of illusory happiness. Sport provides us with a sense of identity. It plays to our instinctive tribalism and gives us colours, songs, chants, ritual, rules, history, heroes and, most importantly of all, war. We march into battle every week and live vicariously through our players as they fight the opposing tribe. We willingly surrender our objectivity as we mercilessly harangue the referee. Every clear foul our side commits is outrageous hubris. Every dubious decision that goes our way is belated justice. These are the rites and rituals of Australian sport but what a crippling impact on democracy when this mentality is applied to politics.

Footy fan politics emerge when policy and debate give way to instinct and emotion. It is the domain of the unique species carelessly described as ‘rusted on’ voters but this tired moniker does not do the group justice. Political footy fans are not quiet, passive but committed supporters. They are the loud-mouthed, flag waving, chant singing, fight picking fanatics who feel every tackle, celebrate every goal, and wrestle daily with the agonising decision whether to wear their home or away jersey. Every time the other team heckle loudly in the House of Representative, the political footy fan jumps out of his seat, “Send him off Mr Speaker! He’s been doing it all day!” Whenever the home team is shining in question time with stinging retorts and pithy quips the political footy fan rejoices, “Oh year baby, that’s what I call a question without notice!”

The greatest occasion of all for political footy fans is, of course, the federal election. Like the Olympics or World Cup, it is the ultimate stage. After years of training, it all comes down to one final game. Beer in hand, the political footy fan is glued to the screen. We’re off to a good start! Oh no, they’re coming back. We’re doing well up the top of the park. Look at our forwards in Bowman! Our backs need to tighten up. Who is defending in Eden-Monaro? It’s wide open? As the clock counts down it is either despair or joy as the result becomes clear. Defeated but defiant, one side retreats with words of consolation. Victorious and jubilant, fans of the winning team party into the night.

It can be argued whether the footy fan mentality is a good thing when applied to sport. On the one hand, the passion and enthusiasm does create a wonderful atmosphere and a sports team can unite strangers and communities. On the other hand, there is a certain irrationality about the whole thing and it often leads to needless aggression, violence and hooliganism. When applied to politics, however, it is simply painful. Have you ever tried to have an intelligent, rational discussion with a political footy fan? You casually muse, “Well, I do think they are performing well on environmental issues but they are struggling to create a genuine alternative with economic policy.” You realise immediately you are dealing with a fan as the heated retort is angrily submitted, “What!?! Are you serious? No real alternative? Mate our mob are in another league. The other guys are hopeless on every issue. Our environment spokesman is our MVP but the whole team is strong. We’ll smash ‘em at the next election, you wait.”

The terminal problem with political footy fans is that political parties are inherently reactionary. Politicians must be reminded daily that they serve us, we do not serve them. They must feel compelled to prove their worth, to argue their case and to set out costed, considered policies. As soon as an electorate declares itself blue or red, politicians have clearance to ignore it. That electorate becomes the home ground, full of supporters, and the focus turns to winning away fans. The national interest gets lost without swing seats and swing voters. Political footy fans encourage parties to aim for 51% victories. Take the home crowd for granted and focus all your energy on strategically chosen swing seats.

The other reason political footy fans hurt democracy is because they lack, well, reason. They refuse to accept criticism of their team and hold an inherent mistrust of other supporters. Terms like ‘right-wing nut job’ and ‘tree-hugging lefty’ are used to immediately discredit opposing views before they have a chance to be heard or tested. Debate, discussion, open mindedness and the ability to be swayed by a superior argument are all hallmarks of free thinking people. These are the kind of people who make democracy great. Political footy fans are the opposite. Devoid of reason, they trade their political power for petty tribalism. They give up their democratic right to petition the government in exchange for illusionary happiness.

The Australian media is perhaps partly to blame for the rise of  political footy fans. Shameless sensationalism and the twenty-four hour news cycle encourage the public to be Team Julia or Team Tony rather than independent critical thinkers. The cult of personality and party has encroached on the space once occupied by astute, non-aligned political observers. Perhaps the time has come to actively celebrate the swinging voter. Perhaps it is time to reject brand loyalty and to reclaim our position as the political masters, coolly reserving judgement, waiting for the best performers.

Are you a political footy fan? Have you only ever voted for one party? Here are a few quick exercises to keep your vote fresh and your mind open. First, why don’t you find one member of the opposing team (or a minor team) who you respect? See if you can do it. There must be someone outside your tribe doing a decent job. Secondly, find one policy by the other team that you agree with. Lastly, have a long think about what the other team could do to win your vote. Allow yourself to be seduced. Don’t think in terms of party and team. Consider what is important to you as a voter and determine that whoever performs best on issues that matter will win your support. If you can do all three, then congratulation, you are not a political footy fan.

With a few notable exceptions, we are currently watching perhaps the most timid, reactionary generation of politicians to ever serve this country. In a democracy, you truly get the government you deserve and it is time to demand better. The onus, however, is not on the politicians but on the electorate. We are the ones who need to lift our game. We will see big visions and policies that truly serve the national interest only when we demand them. Real leadership will come when our politicians look to the public and see they are not political footy fans but the referee.

On the Peter Slipper affair: the trick is in the timing

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Written over several years, the playwright David Ives, named his unconnected montage of single act plays, It’s all in the timing. It would be an appropriate name too for the Peter Slipper affair. Far from a single event or controversy, a collection of skeletons from the Liberal turncoat’s closet dating back to the days of the Howard government have seemingly all come to light at once. With Julia Gillard’s minority government already beleaguered by scandals, leadership uncertainty and consistently poor polling, the timing of this latest allegation could not be more suspicious. In the Machiavellian world of federal politics, coincidence is an unknown word. The criminal and civil charges against Slipper are serious and he was right to stand down as speaker but the reactionism, opportunism and presumption of guilt displayed by virtually the entire House of Representatives indicates a low point in an age of political minnows.

James Hunter Ashby, a 33 year old staffer, has accused his old boss of misusing cabcharge vouchers. Three separate incidents, alleged to have happened in January 2012, are being investigated by federal police. Ashby has since accused Slipper ofunwelcome sexual advances, unwelcome sexual comments and unwelcome suggestions of a sexual nature’. Now these are serious accusations and the investigation must be allowed to run its course but if the information so far provided to the media reveals the extent of Slipper’s behaviour, then they must be dismissed as groundless slander and the latest attempt by the Liberals to bring down Gillard’s tenuous government.

There are many inconsistencies in Ashby’s story. Ashby claims that Slipper has a history of sexual harassment dating back to 2003 when, as a member of John Howard’s government, he allegedly made advances to a young male staffer. A video was produced that shows Mr Slipper intimately embracing the young man and also urinating out a window. It was brought to the attention of a senior staffer, Megan Hobson, who argued that the video clearly showed any relationship was consensual and nothing came of it.

Mr Ashby claims between June and August 2011 he was invited to Slipper’s house. After Ashby revealed he was gay, he was repeatedly offered a job. In December 2011 he accepted and began working for Slipper. Ashby claims between January and March 2012, Slipper sent him lewd text messages and made unwanted advances. He claims that when he stayed at Mr Slipper’s house in Hughes, Slipper showered with the door open and called Ashby a ‘prude’ for not doing the same. He also claims that Slipper requested a neck massage while wearing only his shorts. During the massage, ‘Slipper began to moan in a manner that to [him] indicated intense sexual pleasure’.

There are several obvious questions arising from these accusations. If Ashby knew Slipper had a history of approaching young male staffers, why did he accept a job working for him? Why did Ashby agree to stay the night several times at Slipper’s house? Why did Ashby agree to give him a massage? All of these things are completely outside of his requirements as a staff member. Ashby is not an inexperienced, easily manipulated young man. In 2002, he was forced to resign from Newcastle radio station NX-FM after pleading guilty to making abusive calls. Slipper could not physically intimidate Ashby nor could he hold power over him as an employer (if Ashby’s testimony is correct and Slipper pleaded with him to take the job). There is, from the information currently available, a huge burden of proof if Mr Ashby is to sustain his accusations.

Any cab driver in Canberra will confirm that sexual relationships between politicians and staffers are extraordinarily common. Overwhelmingly these are consensual affairs. Some staffers see it as a way to curry favour or career advancement, but more often than not it is simply a case of developing feelings for a person who they admire, who has power and who they work closely with. It is also common for these relationships to turn sour. Rob Oakeshott noted today that it was regrettably frequent in Australian politics for ‘malicious allegations [to come] from a former rogue employee’.

Whatever the outcome, the current braying for blood reeks of hypocrisy and opportunism. Predictably, Abbott demanded he step down immediately. After Slipper did step down, Abbott used the affair to highlight the government’s incompetence and poor judgement in appointing him. Gillard has returned fire, stating that Slipper has received Liberal pre-selection nine times including under Abbott’s leadership. Neither seemed concerned if the allegations were true or not. In typically verbose fashion, Oakeshott declared himself, ‘open minded on a no confidence motion that may come before the House in May in regards the speakership’.

The defection of Slipper from the Liberal backbench to the Speaker’s chair has been good for the Australian parliament. He is the first truly independent and impartial speaker in a long time. It was a blow, however, to the independents who help sustain the minority Labor government. The extra vote provided by the return of Harry Jenkins made Gillard just that little bit less reliant on the independents. Andrew Wilke, who with some justification felt the government betrayed him by watering down his pokie reforms, has stated, ‘if they come back to me needing my support again, as far as poker machine reform goes, the price will be mightily higher’. Like Oakeshott, Wilke seems determined to exploit this situation to increase his power and force the government’s hand. He has already held a meeting with Tony Abbott’s chief of staff, Peta Credlin and will feel empowered to demand a $1 bet limit for poker machines in return for supporting the current government.

One of the few level heads in this debacle has been the Attorney-General, Nicola Roxon. She reminded us that all people, even politicians, are entitled to the presumption of innocence and warned against a ‘trial by media’. South Australian Liberal senator, Sean Edwards, is currently facing charges of misleading and deceptive conduct. Fellow Liberal senator from SA, Mary Jo Fisher, has only recently been cleared of theft charges. Labor MP, Craig Thompson is being investigated for using union funds to, among other things, pay for prostitutes. All three have been able to continue in the roles. The documents outlining Mr Ashby’s allegations have been released to the public and they are far from convincing. Regardless of their truth, now is a perfect time for an ambitious Liberal staffer to harangue an already mortally wounded government, for an Opposition comfortably ahead in the polls to cement their position and for normally irrelevant independents to push through their pet reforms. When it comes to politics, it truly is all about timing.

James Ashby and Peter Slipper

Australia’s Got Talent (but the judges don’t)!

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

Major international celebrities are known for their precious, often petty, egos. Even more fragile is that of the minor, B-grade celebrity. More often a target of ridicule than veneration, the B-listers are notoriously touchy about perceived insults and desperate to assert their legitimacy. Rather than sell out stadiums or attend Hollywood premiers, the B-listers’ natural habitat is shopping malls, ‘celebrity’ reality television and the judges’ chairs for shows like Australia’s Got Talent. Confronted with a contestant who was clearly not overawed by their minor celebrity, Dannii Minogue, Kyle Sandilands and Brian McFadden were quick to voice their displeasure at ‘cocky’ Canberran busker, Owen Campbell.

Owen is an incredibly gifted singer and songwriter and is probably one of the best slide guitarists in the country. Like many talented people, however, Owen has never had a big break. His regular shows are at small Australian pubs and his world tours involve busking for room and board. From this humble background, he walked onto the stage of his first televised performance in front of a huge audience and three imperious B-listers. Obviously nervous and overwhelmed, Owen sat down and greeted Kyle by calling him Carl. Brian instantly pushed his buzzer to illuminate the large red X. Owen nervously rambled and attempted to make a joke which fell flat. Brian sarcastically taunted ‘that’s a good start mate, you’re on fire at the moment’.

After this awkward opening, Owen commented that he would pretend the judges weren’t there and just play his song for the audience. As he was playing Dannii loudly interrupted the intro, asking Kyle what he had said about the judges. Owen played wonderfully. He won the crowd effortlessly, who clapped along and gave him a standing ovation. Before the applause had died down Kyle demanded to know why Owen had tried to make an enemy of the judges. Brian again took the role of lead attack dog insisting Owen’s actions were stupid and he was an arse. The crowd do not matter, he firmly cautioned, only their three votes. Owen’s reply was quickly cut off by Brian who demanded, ‘do you want to keep talking or do you want us to speak to you?’ Campbell’s simple larrikin reply, ‘ok boss’ drew an audible gush from the audience and Brian’s face was furious, even more so when he added, ‘my aim isn’t to be in a boy band, chief’. That was enough and Brian gave him a No. Kyle gave some hope with a spiteful Yes before Dannii sent him home with a second No.

Now possibly this was all a Channel 7 stunt. Despite being dumped from the show, it has already been confirmed that Owen will appear again in next week’s show. Irrespective, the whole episode gave a humorous (perhaps horrendous) insight into the fragility of celebrity egos. Owen’s real crime in his AGT performance was simply that he did not show the deference and awe this panel of B-listers felt they were entitled to. Despite the crowd howling in protest, Dannii gave Owen the second and fatal No insisting that it was because of his personality (apparently the name of the show was meant to be Australia’s Got Personality).

Brian and Dannii are certainly birds of a feather. Brian became an overnight celebrity at 18 when he successfully auditioned for Irish boy band Westlife. Similarly, Dannii achieved fame as a child singer on Young Talent Time and a soap opera actress. They are both products of instant fame culture and they both have worked hard to keep their celebrity status tenuously in place. Dannii in particular, kept herself in headlines by appearing in Playboy Magazine. Brian and Dannii think of the music industry as a production line of subservient artists who must grovel to the record labels so that they can land a television hosting gig after they pass their used by date. Owen Campbell simply comes from another world. He is a traditionalist musician who believes that good music and connecting with the audience is all that matters. There was bound to be a clash.

The funniest, but also pettiest, moment in the whole ordeal was provided by Kyle who went on a bizarre tangent and complained about the treatment of himself and his fellow B-listers by the media. Despite giving a Yes to Campbell in recognition of his talent, Kyle vindictively remarked that he hoped Owen advanced only so that he would have ‘complete and utter lies’ written about him by the media. The claim and the occasion could not have been more inappropriate. Kyle has made a lucrative career for himself by manipulating the media. His deliberately brash and often offensive behaviour as a radio shock jock and a television talent judge has earned him millions of dollars. To complain to a street busker about the cruelty of the Australian media was narcissistic in the extreme.

Perhaps Owen Campbell is better off without AGT. Arthur Schopenhaurer wisely commented that ‘the longer a man’s fame is likely to last, the longer it will be in coming’. That is the problem with B-listers. Almost without exception they took the fast track to fame. They won a talent show, fronted a commercial pop band, appeared in a big television series and have found themselves forever living in the shadow of their 15 minutes. If you become a star overnight by winning AGT, then the faceless men who run Sony can rightly say that they made you and demand that grovelling respect the judges found lacking. The musicians who grind it out in the pubs and small venues, who build a fan base over years and who make themselves something before the record label comes knocking are generally the ones who are still around years later. No matter what happens on his second appearance, this episode clearly demonstrates two things; B-listers will always be petty and nasty and Owen Campbell has talent.

Watch Owen on AGT here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etmCR_K33sQ

On the Art of Listening

Friday, March 4th, 2011

‘Help, I need somebody, Help, not just anybody, Help, you know I need someone, help.’ John Lennon was blunt and upfront when talking about the opening lyrics to the Beatles hit single in an interview, ‘it was real … it was just me singing “Help!” and I meant it.’ The chorus of the song pleads, ‘Help me if you can, I’m feeling down. And I do appreciate you being round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won’t you please, please help me?’ Despite this open confession it was difficult to take seriously as the single was released at the height of Beatlemania in July 1965. Could the all conquering Beatles really need help? Lennon would later recount how no one would listen to him even when crying out for help because they chose to see the power of the Beatles rather than hear the words of a fellow human.

Listening is without doubt a gift. Some people are naturally inclined to listen. These special people, who are usually never short of friends, not only hear the words but the heart of a person when they speak. But listening is not only a gift it is also an art. It is something we can train ourselves to do and it is something we can improve at if we are inclined to do so.

But therein lies the crucial factor. Do we want to listen to other people? A classic example of this in my experience concerns travel. Particularly from an isolated island-continent like Australia, overseas travel is a momentous occasion for a person usually involving months or years of saving and planning. There is a unique form of excitement that travel produces and a unique sort of joy in sharing this with others. Yet people’s reaction to others who want to talk about it is telling.

How often does a recently returned traveller attempt to recount their adventures only to find themselves in a mean-spirited and selfish game of one-upmanship? The traveller mentions how they were moved by the poverty on the streets of Toronto only for their friend to feign empathy before stealing the spotlight and talking about their time in Calcutta. Whatever experience the traveller had, good or bad, the friend waits with predatory glee for the shortest of pauses so they can share their similar but more elaborate and entertaining stories. Seasoned travellers are often the worst offenders and seem unable or unwilling to remember the child-like excitement they had on tourist jaunts before they moved up the ranks of migratory snobbery.

The problem with this response is that it misses the point of communication so spectacularly. The traveller did not want an open forum on where the worst poverty in the world is. They did not request a detailed itinerary of their friend’s time in India. They had simply had a moving experience in Toronto and wanted to share it.

This is of course, a vice we are all guilty of. Rudyard Kipling speaks of the webbed and inward looking eye and to an extent we can’t help but immediately respond to others by thinking, ‘how does this affect me?’ But this is where listening becomes an art like all others. To put a leash of the selfish impulse to which we are all prone is something we can make ourselves do. When a friend starts sharing something personal, resist the urge to immediately recount your similar experience. At least initially, just let them get off their chest what they are trying to say.

In many ways we live in a plastic world which thrives on appearance and cares little for content. People will express words of sympathy and solidarity with the victims of a natural disaster then howl in protest when their taxes are raised to help restore the community. People will ask someone how they are going then recoil at their presumptuousness if the answer is anything more complex that, ‘well thank you.’ Like Narcissus, we have become entranced by our own reflection in the stream and have actually come to believe that our own gratification is not only the most noble of all goals but the most pressing as well.

Robert McCloskey once quipped, ‘I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ The art of listening ultimately hinges on the question, do we really want to hear? It is incredible how many divorces seem to one partner like a bomb shell and to the other a slow and inevitable decline. Perhaps we can excuse not listening to people on our fringe circle but how can you fail to listen to your partner speaking to you for years and then be shocked to find divorce papers in front of you? Even with our most intimate partners it seems, unless we actively choose to listen, we will not hear.

Kenneth A. Wells once said, ‘a good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.’ We need this outlook if we hope to engage in meaningful discourse with others. We are so much the richer for hearing and understanding the different ways people see and interpret the world.

Ultimately, though, it is a matter of respect. By choosing to listen we are sending an important message. We are telling the other person that they are worth listening to, that they are important and that they matter. You can never underestimate how important it might be for someone to hear this message. Through the art of listening we confer honour on our lovers, family, friends and place value on humanity.

On Facebook Friends

Monday, February 28th, 2011

The internet has often been referred to as the digital Wild West and the analogy is, to my mind, quite fitting. The internet is by and large a lawless place filled with wonderful things, horrendous things and of course mountains of pornography (I’ll let you judge whether that fits into the former or latter category, I have an article discussing it here: http://benjaminthomasjones.com/?p=129). As the Wild West was for the new American republic, Facebook is the new frontier of social communication. It is a place where digital pioneers interact, in some cases occasionally, in others on a daily or even hourly basis. Australia has some 14 million internet users and of them, some 9.2 million have facebook accounts. The question is therefore a worthy one; are facebook friends real friends?

As would befit the Wild West, there are no real rules when it comes to virtual friendship and the social protocol or netiquette which some users adhere to are shamelessly disregarded by others. One confusing factor about facebook friends is there is no way to establish a criteria for adding (or deleting) people. Facebook itself asks that you ‘know’ the person you are adding but what does that mean? Do you have to be long-time friends with someone to add them, casual acquaintance, work colleague, friend of a friend, vaguely remember them from somewhere, had a chat once on a mutual friend’s wall, simply saw them post something on a friend of a friend’s wall and thought they sounded interesting? All of those answers are correct and we each can determine how strict or liberal our adding policy is.

On the one extreme then you’ll get the facebook whore. This is a person who for whatever reason is desperate to gain a high friend count. They will accept any request and often request anyone no matter how flimsy the connection. The other extreme is the facebook nazi who will only add a small number of their closest friends and will often delete people periodically if they have not communicated with them recently. Again, there is no sheriff in the Wild West and each extreme (and all middle cases) are as legitimate as the others. But what then can we make of facebook friendship when there is no common understanding as to how to define them?

On the one hand, it needs be stated that facebook and facebook friends have an amazing power for good. One of my closest friends met his wife on facebook. This is not at all an isolated incident. A 2010 survey estimated that some 10% of Australian couples had met on a dating site (which doesn’t include social networking sites). In my own case, I met a woman on facebook who was later to introduce me to my wife at a party. But it isn’t just lovers of course, facebook reconnects us with lost friends and allows us to meet and communicate with new people at a level which would simply not be possible in a pre-internet setting.

Facebook is also a great place to discuss deep issues. A leading status about politics, religion, celebrity culture, weight obsession or any of a thousand other examples will often draw in responses, not only from those who are comfortable with you in real life but from virtually anyone. People by nature love to share their two cents and facebook provides a setting where decorum, social grace and even intelligence are little more than optional extras in public debate.

In the same way, facebook allows us to share our emotions. When we are thrilled about a sports result, a promotion or a dinner with a relative and happily announce it as a stauts, there is a great feeling of connectivity when random friends ‘like’ or express approval. With the bad times also it appears therapeutic to vent to our facebook friends. The one line messages of support, ‘awww chin up mate’, ‘I know how you feel’, ‘hang in there sweet’ and of course the ‘xox’s’ do make us feel better. I suppose digital sympathy is better than none at all.

But can this be called friendship in any real sense? Do real people not need to express themselves in more words than a status update allows? Do real friends not go further than to write ‘love you babe xox’ on someone’s ‘wall’?

In the UK, a charity worker from Brighton tried to share her suffering with serious depression and mental illness on facebook. Feeling utterly alone on Christmas Day 2010, Simone Back announced on facebook that she was going to overdoes on pills and commit suicide. A few ‘friends’ cared to comment on this status. One called her a liar. Another ‘friend’ simply said that it was her choice. Of her 1082 ‘friends’ on facebook not one went round to her house to help her. Not one called the police or an ambulance. Not one tried to call Ms Back and offer any support. Could any of these facebook friends have saved her life? We’ll never know because she did overdoes and died. I can only be reminded of King Solomon’s wisdom when we wrote in the book of Ecclesiastics, ‘two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.’

My conclusion has to be that facebook friends are not real friends. Of course you may meet people on facebook who become real friends but a facebook relationship is not, in itself, enough. The majority of communication is not verbal or written, it needs to be seen and experienced in real life. Typing ‘LOL’ is only a sad masquerade of sharing laughter with a friend. Typing ‘xox’ is a mere mockery of that most beautiful of human contact, hugs and kisses. Sometimes, the most important thing a friend can ever do for you is not to speak but simply to come over and be there for you. It requires virtually no effort to communicate with someone on facebook, their wall is open to you at all points of the day and night. To make time for someone in our busy schedules, to plan your day around meeting with someone places great value on that friendship.

The great Roman statesman Cicero once said that nature has no love of solitude. We all need support and the sweetest support of all is found within the walls of an intimate friendship. Shakespeare said that we must grab onto these friendships with both hands and never let go, ‘Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel.’ Friendships like that are impossible to capture within the digital confines of facebook. The true joys and beauty of life can never be shared via a facebook friendship nor can the bitter valleys be passed through together. By all means, keep your facebook friends for the fun and banter they provide but do not be fooled into thinking this virtual paradoy can simulate the real thing. Do not neglect your real friendships because they are more difficult to maintain. The words of Aristotle are timeless and ever so tragic when applied to Ms Back, ‘Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.’

On Popular Mythology in American History: Part three.

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Few of the mythologies in American history are as firmly entrenched in the modern psyche as that of the civil war. The American civil war has become synonymous with the anti-slavery movement. The head of the union, Abraham Lincoln, is known universally as the great emancipator. The circumstances leading up to the civil war suggest, however, that there were other factors motivating the North and that abolition came to dominate union policy only gradually, and only when it was beneficial to do so.

The election of 1860 caused a crisis of confidence in America. Whilst Lincoln and the Republicans clearly won the election, they enjoyed virtually no support in the South. Southern politician were highly fearful that the North would attempt to abolish slavery, which was the economic foundation of their society. Consequently, seven states, comprising the cotton belt, seceded from the union. The South’s “Declaration of the Immediate Causes of Secession placed the issue of slavery squarely at the centre of the crisis.” It is highly idealistic to presume that freedom for blacks was a high priority for Lincoln at this time. It seems far more rational to assume that the prospect of losing one third of the Union’s territory and population was the chief motivation to go to war.

The prospect of forfeiting such a significant and vital section of the home market was clearly unacceptable to Lincoln and the Republicans. The notion of allowing slavery to continue in the South was clearly an acceptable policy. It is with no small irony that, just prior to the war, the great emancipator “went so far as to push through congress and start ratification by the states of an amendment to the constitution guaranteeing southern slavery forever. That would have been the thirteenth amendment!”

Whilst Lincoln was willing to protect southern slavery, he was firmly opposed to its expansion. It is curious to note, however, that the source of Lincoln’s vehement opposition to the expansion of slavery lay not in a desire to protect blacks but to protect the existing democracy and governmental institutions. A Kentucky senator, John Crittenden, proposed a popular compromise which could have avoided the conflict so dreaded by Lincoln. Crittenden’s plan guaranteed southern states the right to continue slavery and “extended the Missouri Compromise line to the Pacific Ocean.” Foner notes Lincoln’s response:

We have just carried an election … on principles fairly stated to the people. Now we are told in advance that the government shall be broken up unless we surrender to those we have beaten, before we take the offices … If we surrender, it is the end of us and the end of government.

 

Lincoln’s objection makes no mention of slavery and concerns itself entirely with the ethos that, the elected government must be allowed to rule.

Even after hostilities broke out, emancipation was not a policy or even a high concern for Lincoln. The Republicans continued to court the pro-Union slave owners in border states. For the first year of the civil war “Northern military commanders even returned fugitive slaves to their owners, a policy that raised an outcry in antislavery circles.” The eventual decision to assume an abolition policy was forced upon Lincoln, not adopted.

The war did not begin well for the Union. Peter Camejo offers reasons as to why the north was initially balked by her, seemingly inferior, southern neighbour:

The Northern capitalists were incapable of subordinating their individual greed to the needs of the struggle, and the whole war was a saturnalia of corruption … Incompetents were given army commissions – generals were appointed by the hundreds on the basis of bribes or their connection to the ruling class. The top command was totally disorganized for a period … Such errors were paid for in blood by the plebian farmers and workers in uniform and caused widespread demoralization.

 

After several rushed and disastrous battles, the Union found itself being invaded by an increasingly confident Confederate army. It was during, and perhaps because, of this setback that Lincoln began to look for new potential allies. The African Americans, had already surprised many by their unwavering enthusiasm for, what they considered, a war for freedom. Consequently, at some point “during the summer of 1862, Lincoln concluded that emancipation had become a political and military necessity.”

The question of who should be credited with the triumph of emancipation is incredibly blurred. Despite the historical temptation to honour a single leader as the banner bearer of freedom, this paradigm ignores the enormity of the contribution from other quarters. Lincoln, despite his contributions, was never a passionate emancipist. Lincoln was far more concerned with preserving the Union and occupied a mediatory role between the two wings of the Republican Party. Hofstadter notes that Lincoln’s “program flowed from his conception that his role was to be a moderator of extremes in public sentiment.”

When conceptualising the American civil war, historians should hold the theme of inclusion as a vital tool in forming a rounded understanding. The role of blacks and anti-slavery groups has been somewhat marginalised in comparison to the mythology lavished upon Lincoln. It was, however, the efforts and reactions of these two groups which, effectively, forced Lincoln’s hand. As Foner explains, “slaves themselves took actions that helped propel a reluctant white America down the road of emancipation.”

The final myth which shall be discussed in this article is concerning the lot of African Americans after the civil war. It is commonly held that 1865 brought about the birth of black freedom in America. This article, however, throws into question the very meaning of freedom. Congressman James Garfield asked in 1865, “Is it the bare privilege of not being chained? If this is all, then freedom is a bitter mockery, a cruel delusion.” Freedom for blacks meant, not only the absence of oppression but, the provision of opportunity. In a practical sense, “like rural people throughout the world, former slaves’ ideas of freedom were directly related to land ownership.” African Americans wanted a redistribution of land after the war. They argued that in order to be truly free they must be allotted some of the land which they had been slaves on for nearly two and a half centuries. In the summer of 1865, however, President Andrew Johnson ordered nearly all land to be returned to its original southern owners.

The failure of Johnson to come to the aid of the former slaves should come as no surprise. The Republicans had not entered the war to benefit blacks, and now it was over they remained indifferent to their plight. The northern politicians were far more concerned with appeasing the South. Consequently, Johnson only required a pledge of allegiance to the Union for southern whites to receive amnesty. The desire to reconcile the southern states to the North and restore a sense of unity and nationhood outweighed the cry of justice for blacks. The resulting situation for freedmen was that practically all of them “entered upon their new life with no advantages of any kind. These people had no learning except the lore of plantation, no property except the rags on their backs, no experience except in following orders.”

It is not to be suggested that the black community did not benefit following the end of hostilities in 1865. Black churches and schools were greatly strengthened and many families were reunited. Yet, even small gains for blacks were strongly opposed by southern whites. The fifteenth amendment, for example, provides that, “The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.” Whilst the states could not deny the vote to former slaves, they could, and did, create non-racial voting laws aimed at excluding blacks. As the majority of freed blacks were poor and illiterate, many southern states introduced poll taxes and literacy tests. So it can be seen that although African Americans were free, they did not, and arguably still do not, enjoy the same kind of freedom as whites.

Piercing the veil of mythology is arguably the most difficult obstacle in regard to American history. Groups, such as the colonial pioneers and founding fathers, and historical figures, such as Jefferson and Lincoln, have reached such iconic stature in the American psyche that the myths have a taken on a life of their own. Similarly, certain themes, especially freedom and liberty, have become so sacred in the modern American imagination that their original meaning is often overlooked. 

It is crucial, therefore, in conceptualising American history to keep a keen eye on the facts. The meaning of freedom and liberty today, and to whom it includes, is vastly different to the meaning understood by figures in American history. Historians must read the primary records within the context from which they were written. When the modern paradigm of thought is forced upon isolated quotes from American history a breeding ground for mythology and half truths is created. Finally, the historian must endeavour to be inclusive of the black, Indian and female stories in American history. For without these a rounded understanding of American history can never be achieved.

On Popular Mythology in American History: Part one.

Monday, January 24th, 2011

American history can be seen as a hive for historiography. The defining events have been interpreted in vastly different ways by various interest groups and historians. One of the great challenges is to use the primary sources to see through the various myths which have evolved in the popular American imagination. It is critical to shift from the traditional Eurocentric paradigm in order to form a complete understanding of American history. Consequently, inclusion is a vital, yet sorely overlooked, theme. The forced amalgamation of four continents must be the backdrop to an independent inquiry. Similarly the theme of liberty, sacred within the American psyche, must be seen through correct historical context. The parasitic relationship of freedom and unfreedom is a central element in deciphering what the forefathers understood liberty to mean. Similarly, when researching grandiose themes like freedom, the question must be asked; what kind of freedom and for whom does it apply? An honest and inclusive study into American history can reveal new dimensions concerning the colonial, revolutionary and civil war periods.

The roots of modern America are entrenched in fifteenth century Europe. The popular myth that America was founded by peaceful settlers seeking religious freedom ignores several key facts. Although there were groups attempting to escape religious persecution, this motive is hardly adequate to explain the powerful surge of European contact. A more plausible and practical explanation is greed and imperial rivalry. What began as a chance discovery in the age of exploration soon escalated into an imperial tug-of-war. There were varying reasons for Europeans to come to America, however, the single greatest driving force was the desire to colonise the new world and harness her resources.

The first permanent English settlement in North America was created in 1607 with the establishment of Jamestown. It is with rose colored glasses that many Americans recall this event. The myth of Jamestown can be summarised as a combination of hard work and friendly Indians creating a successful colony. The slightly bizarre fact of the matter is that Jamestown’s earliest white colonist seemed to prefer to starve to death rather than occupy themselves with strenuous work. Distinguished colonial historian Edmund Morgan attributes this fatally absurd decision to the English paradigm of thought concerning work. The English conceptualisation of colonialism in the new world was shaped largely by the Spanish experience. Consequently, the settlers expected to find natural abundance and a source of cheap labour in the indigenous population to help exploit it.

The reality of life in Jamestown was in stark contrast to the expectations carried by her phantasm charged founders. The incongruous collection of specialist gold miners, artisans, wood cutters and farmers were curiously slow in coming to the realisation that the local Indian population would not provide a suitable work force. Morgan concludes that the introduction of black slavery was seen to be the solution to Virginia’s labour crisis. This conclusion, however, disturbs another myth concerning colonial America; that racism was an already existing notion which domineered in the new world from the beginning. If slavery was only introduced gradually as a solution to an economic problem, the implication is that racism was a learned attitude of the southern colonies not a pre-existing condition.

It is important to realise that the common association of black with slavery and white with freedom was gradually developed. Freedom, as we understand it today, was not the lot of most Englishmen in America. Eric Foner estimates that in the seventeenth century “nearly two-thirds of English settlers came as indentured servants, who voluntarily surrendered their freedom for a specific time (usually five to seven years) in exchange for passage to America.” When the first Africans arrived in America in 1619 several of them were free and some were even assigned land. Many of the earliest Africans in America appear to have been servants as opposed to slaves. The first documented sentence of slavery doesn’t appear until 1640. Even in this situation, however, the “grounds for this harsh sentence presumably lay in the fact that he was non-Christian rather than in the fact that he was physically dark.” It can be deduced, therefore, that southern racism, as we now understand it, evolved gradually between 1650 and 1750.

It is clear that European prejudice is an inadequate answer as to how a sophisticated system of racism and slavery developed in America. It does not appear that racism was the reason Africans were brought to America and enslaved. It is, however, plausible that racism was a specifically developed and nurtured paradigm, created to justify the existence and expansion of African slavery. So the question still remains why did the southern colonies change from a society with slaves to a slave society? There is, of course, no single answer to this complex question, however, a culmination of social economic and political factors indicate that slavery became an increasing attractive alternative to white indentured servitude.

Whilst Jamestown had a notoriously high mortality rate during its earliest period, by the last quarter of the seventeenth century this trend had significantly stabilised. Consequently, southern planters were discovering that a lifelong slave was a more profitable investment than a temporal servant. Significantly, England lost her monopoly on the slave trade during this same period. The opening of the slave market caused increased competition and eventually prices fell. So it can be seen that black slavery was in many ways a sensible economic alternative to white servitude.  

The reliance of the southern colonies on agrarian production, especially rice, tobacco and later cotton, made access to labour a key concern for land owners. Following the restoration of the English monarchy in 1660, however, fewer Englishmen were willing to become indentured servants in the new world. Servitude in England did not mean the same thing as it did in America. An English master had obligations to his servant which were protected by the law. In Virginia, by contrast, the distinction between servitude and slavery was notoriously vague. News of this harsh treatment trickled back to England and “the supply of English servants declined sharply at just the time that the demand for labor was increasing in many of the colonies.” Part of the reason for black slavery taking root in the South after 1660 can be traced to the scant availability of white indentured servants.

There were, however, social factors also which combined with the economic incentives in fuelling the change from a society with slaves to a slave society. Following the successful harvest of tobacco crops, class lines developed very quickly in Virginia. Small farmers found it increasingly difficult to compete against large land owners. The situation was further exasperated by the corrupt policies of the governor, William Berkley. The plight of small farmers was made bleak by Berkley’s unjust land distribution, heavy taxes on tobacco and falling prices due to overproduction. Berkley’s refusal to upset the peaceful relationship he enjoyed with the local Indians by allowing white settlement in their lands further enraged many land-hungry colonists. Eventually this list of grievances manifested themselves in the form of Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676. Led by wealthy planter, Nathaniel Bacon, a group of small farmers, landless men, indentured servants and even some slaves marched on Jamestown, plundered and burnt it.

This act of defiance by the giddy multitude sent shockwaves through the South. It became clear that former indentured servants, small farmers and the landless must be given some opportunities to compete in the market for otherwise they can become dangerous and revolutionary. English liberty demanded that freemen be afforded the chance to participate in the economy and thus control their own destiny. This period produced a landmark shift in American history. The authorities actively sought to increase liberty. There is, however, a direct correlation between the increase of freedom for whites and the increase of unfreedom for Africans and Indians. Many whites were able to secure land and farming benefits as a result of new aggressive policies dispossessing Indians. Black slavery was rapidly increased in order to reduce the need for white indentured servants who, once free, could become rebellious or revolutionary. It seems clear, within this context, that references to liberty in the colonial period originally meant only for a select group of whites but was later expanded to include all white males.

The development of a slave society in the south can be interpreted as a conscience choice, at least on behalf of the lawmakers. The laws and court decisions between 1650 and 1750 show a clear progression from vague, individualistic decisions to concentrated, explicit racism. Many slaves successfully represented themselves in court as there were no laws in early seventeenth century Virginia that defined the rights, or lack of rights, of blacks. In 1641, for example, “John Graweere appeared before the court, asking for permission to buy the freedom of his child in order that he could raise the child as a Christian.” The fact that the court sided with Graweere shows the racial flexibility of the time. This was a trend, however, which would not continue.

By the late seventeenth century several laws were introduced in the South which contributed to the development of a slave society. Africans were banned from owning white servants, interracial sex became a serious crime and an African could not strike a white under any circumstances. Other laws were introduced to make freedom more difficult to obtain for Africans. Accepting the Christian faith was no longer an avenue to freedom. One of the more chilling new racial laws was Virginia’s 1669 ‘Act Concerning the Casual Killing of Slaves’. This law stated that a white could not be convicted of killing a slave as he could not be presumed to destroy his own property. This law is indicative of the racial binary which was developing in the South. White was becoming synonymous, not only with freedom, but with logic and reason also. Similarly, the mindset was becoming firmly established that blacks were primitive and naturally suited to manual labour.

Part two will look at popular mythology in American history concerning the revolutionary period. Stay tuned.

On Marriage Customs

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

“And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: tradition!”

The quote above from Fiddler on the Roof speaks specifically about the Jewish people but it is equally applicable to all cultures. Tradition acts as a vital part of the grid which provides us with a sense of self and community. Religions use tradition to identify and differentiate themselves just as nations do and even individual families. Traditions spring up in most areas of life and often they enjoy an unnaturally long lifespan. Long after their usefulness has expired a tradition may be continued for the very fact that it is a tradition.

The United States still holds its presidential elections on a Tuesday. When this practice began it was designed to be convenient to the numerous agricultural population who were often required to work and trade on weekends. Today the rule actually makes voting inconvenient for the bulk of the population. Why then is it maintained? Why do special so-called royal families still get to live in palaces with enormous public contributions in democratic countries? Why are men obligated to give up their seats to women? Why do people kiss under mistletoe? Why do footballers swap shirts at the end of big matches? Why does the Pope wear a hat? Tradition, tradition, tradition!

Needless to say, some traditions are charming and endearing (even if they are pointless). Others though, are arguably pointless, antediluvian and send a very twisted message in modern times. Let’s consider our modern Western wedding traditions and three parts in particular; the father’s permission, the proposal and the giving away. Are these rituals outdated?

Is it right or appropriate to ask the father’s permission before proposing to a woman? Personally, I did not consult my father-in-law about marrying his daughter. In truth, the thought never seriously entered my mind. I was somewhat taken back when I was later quizzed if I had done the ‘right thing’ and asked permission. Personally, I struggle to see any point in maintaining this tradition. Fathers do not have power over their daughter in the way the once did and at the end of the day the father is helpless in his protestations, should he choose to make any. As the father doesn’t have the authority to say yes or no, the exercise of asking for his permission seems archaic.

Should the man propose to the woman (or man to the man or woman to the woman)? This one is a little murkier but essentially I would argue no. If marriage is to be an equal partnership it sets a pretty bad precedent if the largest decision of all is made by the man by himself, needing only the woman to agree. A couple should not get married because the man has arranged a romantic date with rose petals and champagne. They should get married because they have spoken openly to each other, discussed their feelings, goals and dreams and have mutually decided they want to share their life journey together. Now, of course, that being determined, the man (or woman) may still decide to plan a romantic surprise but that is worlds away from one side privately deciding and then ‘popping’ the question.

Should the father of the bride give his daughter away? Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden shocked the public and horrified the clergy with her marriage in 2010. The outrage wasn’t because she chose to marry her personal trainer but because she wanted to walk down the aisle and be given away. In Sweden this is considered sexist and traditional weddings involve both partners walking down the aisle together. It is an interesting point of view and it was more than interesting to see Swedish Church leaders lamenting the influence of sexist, Hollywood weddings.

Do the Swedes have a point? On one level, there is an undeniable stupidity behind the bride being given away as though she was the property of her father. Some weddings get around this by having both parents answer, ‘we do’ when asked who gives the bride away. Of course this doesn’t eliminate the curious fact that the bride is somehow owned, but at least it numbs the inherit patriarchy.

So what to do with wedding traditions? To a large degree it depends on what type of marriage you want to have. If you follow the original wedding traditions it is likely you are heading towards a traditional marriage. If that is what is desired by both parties then that is great. On the other hand, if you are committed to an equal partnership and if the wedding traditions seem uncomfortable and even silly then there is little point maintaining them. Sometimes tradition simply can’t be justified on the grounds of being a tradition.